Place: Chicago
Setting: Luxury apartment’s den in downtown high rise
Time: The present
Cast of Characters
HUSBAND 73-year-old man
WIFE VALERIE, 66 years old
DYMPHNA 51-year-old care provider
ACT ONE
Scene 1
LIGHTS UP. HUSBAND and WIFE watching TV on the couch in their apartment’s den
WIFE
(crying)
Why am I being punished?
HUSBAND
(hugging, wiping WIFE’s tears)
You’re not being punished, baby.
WIFE
(crying)
Don’t let them take me away.
HUSBAND
(hugging WIFE)
No way, baby. I’m your body guard, and will always be.
WIFE
Promise?
HUSBAND
I promise. You’re my true love forever.
WIFE
What time is it?
HUSBAND
It’s 10 to six, baby. She’ll be here in 10 minutes.
WIFE
May I have a mint?
(HUSBAND, smiling, rushes offstage/onstage with mint and puts it in WIFE’S hand)
HUSBAND
Here, baby.
WIFE
Thank you. I’m cold.
HUSBAND
I’ll get your blanky.
(HUSBAND, smiling, rushes offstage/onstage with small blanket and covers WIFE)
WIFE
I don’t want to wear these pants.
HUSBAND
What do you want to wear?
WIFE
Something else.
(HUSBAND takes off WIFE’S pants)
HUSBAND
Ok?
WIFE
I should wear something.
HUSBAND
What do you want to wear?
WIFE
I should wear some pants!
(HUSBAND puts WIFE’S pants back on)
HUSBAND
I’m kinda tired, baby. Let’s rest for a while. Ok?
WIFE
Ok.
HUSBAND
(determined)
You know, we went to Walgreens for supplies and Potash for food. Then, to 4th Church for your exercise class and Mindfulness Meditation and…
WIFE
I don’t like that instructor!
HUSBAND
(determined)
Then, to Ditka’s for lunch and back to 4th Church for Art History and…
WIFE
When are we going to Ditka’s?
HUSBAND
(determined)
Can we please rest for just a few minutes?
WIFE
I want…
HUSBAND
(determined)
And tomorrow, I’m taking you to the dentist, 4th Church for exercise, M Burger for lunch and your sleep therapist at Northwestern and…So, can we please rest for just a few minutes?
WIFE
Ok.
HUSBAND
Thank you, my love.
(pause)
WIFE
May I have some tea?
HUSBAND
Sure, Valski, I’ll be right back.
(HUSBAND, smiling, rushes offstage/onstage with cup of hot tea and hands it to WIFE)
HUSBAND
Here’s your tea, baby, with honey, and one for me, too. Tea for two with honey, honey.
WIFE
It’s too hot.
HUSBAND
I’ll get an ice cube.
(HUSBAND, slowly walks offstage/onstage with ice cube and puts it in tea cup)
WIFE
There’s mustard on my hand.
HUSBAND
I don’t see it, baby. Where is it?
WIFE
Here.
HUSBAND
I don’t see it, Wosker. I’ll get a towel. Wait for me?
(HUSBAND slowly walks offstage/onstage with towel and wipes WIFE’S hand)
WIFE
Will you comb my hair?
(HUSBAND slowly walks offstage/onstage with comb and combs WIFE’S hair)
HUSBAND
May I borrow your hair?
WIFE
No.
HUSBAND
Just for a day, please?
WIFE
Ok, but I don’t want to wear these socks.
(HUSBAND takes off WIFE’S socks)
WIFE
You’re a hard worker, baby.
HUSBAND
Just trying, true love. My skill set is expanding: hair stylist, chief cook, bottle washer, cosmetician, valet….
WIFE
(laughing)
HUSBAND
Why are you laughing?
WIFE
You know.
HUSBAND
I don’t know.
WIFE
Cuz you’re laughable!
HUSBAND
You’re my true love, sweet muse and body guard, baby.
WIFE
I don’t feel pretty.
HUSBAND
You’re beautiful, true love.
WIFE
Will you reapply my makeup?
HUSBAND
Have you been good?
WIFE
Absolutely!
HUSBAND
Forget about it!
WIFE
What?
HUSBAND
Have you been good?
WIFE
No, I’ve been naughty!
HUSBAND
How naughty?
WIFE
Totally naughty!!
HUSBAND
My girl! My one and only!
(HUSBAND trudges with WIFE offstage/onstage to the den)
WIFE
Will you put some perfume on me?
(HUSBAND trudges offstage/onstage with WIFE to den)
HUSBAND
I need some aromatherapy.
WIFE
Ok.
(HUSBAND smells WIFE’S hair)
WIFE
I want to wear my pink hoodie.
(HUSBAND trudges offstage/onstage with hoodie and puts it on WIFE)
I have to pish.
(HUSBAND trudges with WIFE offstage/onstage to den)
WIFE
I want to wear my pink hoodie.
HUSBAND
You’re wearing it, baby.
WIFE
My nail is chipped.
HUSBAND
You got a manicure just a few days ago.
WIFE
Will you please fix it?
HUSBAND
Ok, baby.
(HUSBAND trudges offstage/onstage with nail polish and applies it to WIFE’S fingernail)
WIFE
(crying)
You do everything for me. I don’t know what I’d do without you.
HUSBAND
Please don’t cry, baby. You’re my one and only, Wosker.
WIFE
I have to pish.
HUSBAND
You just went, baby.
WIFE
I have to go again.
HUSBAND
(begins to sing)
Come with me my love to the sea, the sea of love.
I want to tell you how much I love you…
(HUSBAND trudges with WIFE offstage/onstage to the den)
WIFE
I’m hot.
(HUSBAND removes blanket)
HUSBAND
Ok?
WIFE
I think I have to use the washroom.
HUSBAND
I feel kinda dizzy, true love. Can we watch TV for a while?
WIFE
Of course.
(pause)
WIFE
Did you forget I have to pish?
HUSBAND
Shall we call the girls?
WIFE
That would be nice.
(HUSBAND takes cell from his pocket, calls their older daughter and leaves a message)
HUSBAND
Hi, Yvette. It’s Dad. All’s good here. Will you please call, when you get a chance? Love you.
(HUSBAND calls their younger daughter and leaves a message)
HUSBAND
Hi, Rose. It’s Dad. All’s good here. Will you please call, when you get a chance? Love you.
WIFE
I want a mint.
HUSBAND
Wanna see a pic of your new granddaughter?
WIFE
Sure!
(HUSBAND shows pic on his cell to WIFE)
WIFE
Precious! So beautiful!
HUSBAND
Another?
WIFE
Absolutely!
(HUSBAND shows another pic on his cell to WIFE)
WIFE
Precious! So cute!
(crying)
I’m so sad.
HUSBAND
Why are you sad, sweet muse?
WIFE
I won’t see you!
HUSBAND
I’m not leaving you, baby. I’ll be here all night.
WIFE
I know.
HUSBAND
I’ll just be resting until 6 tomorrow morning.
WIFE
I know.
HUSBAND
You know, I need to rest, so I’ll be fresh during the day to bathe and dress you; and put on your makeup; and shop for food and supplies; and cook and wash the dishes; and take you to your doctors; and manage your med; and do the laundry; and deal with the care agencies and care providers and long term care insurance company; and make appointments; and pay bills; and…
WIFE
(crying)
I’m so sorry. You work so hard for me.
HUSBAND
I have to poop and moan and groan. Promise not to tell anybody?
WIFE
(laughing)
Sure.
HUSBAND
Will you please wait here, and not leave the room? Will you please wait….
WIFE
I heard you!
(HUSBAND trudges offstage, WIFE wanders offstage and HUSBAND trudges onstage)
HUSBAND
Val, where are you? You promised not to leave the room, baby.
WIFE
(wanders onstage)
I didn’t.
HUSBAND
I have a headache, honey. Gonna get a Tylenol. Wait for me? Promise?
WIFE
Ok, I promise.
(HUSBAND trudges offstage/onstage to den)
HUSBAND
Wanna snuggle?
WIFE
I love when we snuggle.
HUSBAND
So do I. You’re my one and only!
WIFE
After we snuggle, will you comb my hair?
HUSBAND
Sure, baby.
(HUSBAND and WIFE snuggle)
(pause)
WIFE
I need to pish.
HUSBAND
May I pish with you?
WIFE
(laughing)
Sure.
(HUSBAND sings “I’m in the Mood for Love” melody and trudges with WIFE offstage)
HUSBAND
I’m in the mood to pish.
Pishing with you is thrilling.
Just say the word. I’m willing.
I’m in the mood to pish.
Am I a silly goose, or what?
WIFE
You are a silly goose.
(HUSBAND sighs and trudges with WIFE onstage to den)
WIFE
I’m hungry.
HUSBAND
You just ate enough to feed the 8th Army, true love.
WIFE
(laughing)
Ok.
HUSBAND
I feel kinda dizzy. Can we rest for just a few minutes?
WIFE
Ok.
(pause)
(HUSBAND’S cell phone RINGS)
HUSBAND
Hello? Yes, will you please send her up? Thank you.
WIFE
Who is it?
HUSBAND
The service is here.
WIFE
Who is it tonight?
HUSBAND
It’s Dymphna. She’s a saint. You like her.
WIFE
I don’t like her!
HUSBAND
You don’t like her?
WIFE
She dresses like a leprechaun and smells like Easter Sunday!
HUSBAND
Where’s your sense of humor?
WIFE
And, her name, her name is as pointless as zero plus zero!
HUSBAND
Whoa up, Wosker! I’ll Google it.
(Googles/reads Dymphna reference on his cell)
Saint Dymphna was born in Ireland sometime in the seventh century to a pagan father and devout Christian mother. She is also often shown holding a lamp, while some holy cards feature her wearing green and white, holding a book and white lilies. She is the patroness of those suffering neur-o-…
WIFE
So?
HUSBAND
So, we gotta cut ‘em some slack, Valski.
WIFE
I know.
HUSBAND
I mean, we’re running outta options, you know? We’ve already gone through about 12 different care providers and…
WIFE
I know.
HUSBAND
I mean, you chew ‘em up, and spit ‘em out like Plug tobacco.
WIFE
(laughing)
Ok.
(crying)
I don’t want you to leave me.
HUSBAND
I’m not leaving you, baby. I’ll be here all night.
WIFE
I know.
HUSBAND
I’ll be resting.
WIFE
I know.
(HUSBAND’S cell RINGS)
Your cell’s ringing.
HUSBAND
It’s probably just Walgreens reminding me your med is ready for pick up.
WIFE
Will you please answer it?
HUSBAND
If it’s important, they’ll leave a voice mail message.
WIFE
Will you please answer it?
HUSBAND
I’ll check my voice mail.
(listening to voice mail)
WIFE
Who was it?
HUSBAND
Just Fenwick High School.
WIFE
Are you on its hit list for a donation?
HUSBAND
Not this time. The message is kinda…
WIFE
Kinda?
HUSBAND
Here. I’ll play it for you.
(plays voice mail)
“You are rewarded not according to your work or your time but according to the measure of your love. Saint Catherine of Siena, O.P.”
WIFE
Why did they send that message to you?
HUSBAND
I don’t know. Maybe she was an importante Dominican, and her Fenwick goombah are celebrating her feast day. But I do know is this. My third grade teacher told my Gram that I loved to be loved, and before we were married, you told me you’d get r-e-a-l-l-y mad at me, but you’d always love me.
WIFE
I know you’re a hard worker, baby, and I love you so much.
HUSBAND
I love you more.
WIFE
I love you more!
HUSBAND
I’ll love you forever!
WIFE
I’ll love you to…infinity!
(KNOCK on their apartment’s front door)
HUSBAND
Dymphna’s here, Valski. I’ll let her in. Will you please wait here for me?
WIFE
Ok.
(HUSBAND trudges offstage, WIFE follows him, and they return onstage with DYMPHNA)
DYMPHNA
How are you, Valerie? Did you miss me? What did you do today?
WIFE
I’m good. How are you?
DYMPHNA
I’m fine. Thank you. Want to get undressed?
HUSBAND
I’m gonna put my jammers on, baby. I’ll be back soon, and promise to visit you often during the night and leave you love notes, if you’re asleep. Ok?
WIFE
(crying)
Your notes are sweet and loving, but do you have to go?
HUSBAND
I’ll be back soon, true love.
WIFE
Hurry back!
HUSBAND
Who’s my true love, sweet muse and body guard?
WIFE
I am.
HUSBAND
Who are you?
WIFE
I’m Valski Volski Wosker Doski.
HUSBAND
How do you know that?
WIFE
Because it’s written!
HUSBAND
Where’s it written?
WIFE
In the Book of Love.
HUSBAND
Who’s my true love, sweet muse and body guard?
WIFE
I am!
HUSBAND
Who are you?
WIFE
I’m Valski Volski Wosker Doski!!
HUSBAND
How do you know that?
WIFE
Because it’s written!!
HUSBAND
Where’s it written?
WIFE
In the Book of Measures!!
HUSBAND
Who’s my true love, sweet muse and body guard?
WIFE
I am!!!
HUSBAND
How do you know that?
WIFE
Because it’s written!!!
HUSBAND
Where’s it written?
WIFE
In the Book of Rewards!!!
HUSBAND
(pondering)
You are rewarded not according to your work or your time but…
WIFE
What time is it?
HUSBAND
It’s 6 o’clock, my love.
(DYMPHNA caringly walks VALERIE offstage. HUSBAND trudges offstage in the opposite direction, runs smiling onstage and lovingly takes measured steps toward DYMPHNA and WIFE)
LIGHTS FADE.
BIO: Chicago’s J. Ray Paradiso is a recovering academic in the process of refreshing himself as an EXperiMENTAL writer and photographer. His photographs and stories have appeared in dozens of publications both in print and online including Chicago Quarterly Review, Storgy and Typishly. Equipped with graduate degrees in both Business Administration and Philosophy, he labors to fill temporal-spatial, psycho-social holes and, on good days, to enjoy the flow. All of his work is dedicated to his true love, sweet muse and body guard: Suzi Skoski Wosker Doski. Check out J. Ray’s work here.
