CHARACTERS
Charles; middle-aged, distinguished
Yvette; middle-aged, attractive
Waiter; silver-haired, observant
SCENE
Midnight, a corner table in a nearly empty restaurant.
WAITER
Encore du café?
CHARLES
Non, merci.
YVETTE
Moi non plus.
WAITER
Trés bien.
(Bows, leaves)
YVETTE
We’re going in circles, Charles. We have to settle this. I didn’t mean to turn our anniversary into a referendum on our marriage. But the question remains, why’d you have to gawk at the hostess who seated us?
CHARLES
I’ve apologized, haven’t I?
YVETTE
An apology won’t cut it. I need an explanation. It’s our anniversary, for Pete’s sake. Our twentieth!
CHARLES
We’re in Paris, Yvette.
YVETTE
That’s no excuse. Not after twenty years together. I am not moving from this table until you—
CHARLES
—account for the way I looked at that young hostess.
YVETTE
Was it guilt? Regret?
CHARLES
Or something else entirely . . . Hey, I’ve got an idea.
Let’s consider French films. When in Rome—
YVETTE
—do as the Parisians do?
CHARLES
The answer could lie in those French films we’ve seen over the years. About men and women. You be the contestant. I’ll be the MC.
YVETTE
Fire away.
CHARLES
I’ve got one. Before we met. I forget the title. In fact I forget everything about the film except the beginning. This guy comes home from work, a middle-aged businessman. He walks into the kitchen. His wife’s making dinner. And he confesses he made love to another woman.
YVETTE
Just like that?
CHARLES
His wife’s standing there dicing carrots with a sharp knife in her hand and her husband walks in and confesses he made love to someone else.
YVETTE
And . . . she stabs him with her knife!
CHARLES
No. She continues dicing carrots. Maybe potatoes, I can’t remember. Then she tosses them into a pot and says, without so much as looking up, “My poor husband. Are you feeling old.”
YVETTE
Interesting . . . And so?
CHARLES
That threw me for a loop. I was young, impressionable. I expected a fit of jealousy. Just like you did, thinking she’d stab him. But she reacts in terms of his age. As if it’s normal for things like that to happen.
YVETTE
I . . .
CHARLES
Does that help? Any . . . applause?
YVETTE
Do I applaud after each film, or at the end?
CHARLES
Whenever.
YVETTE
Then I’ll withhold judgment for now.
CHARLES
Fine.
YVETTE
Next film.
CHARLES
Let’s see. The category is French films about men and women. To help shed light on our . . . little problem. Ah! Un Homme Et Une Femme.
YVETTE
Ugh. Sentimental drivel. I pass.
CHARLES
You’re the contestant! You can’t pass. But . . . I respect your opinion on that one. They remade that film, by the way. Same characters twenty years later.
YVETTE
Let’s stick to our own twenty years. Our anniversary, remember? That’s why we’re in Paris.
CHARLES
Amen. Another film, then. Let’s see. Cousin, Cousine. We saw it on video years ago.
YVETTE
Yes. It takes place at a party. Was it a wedding? And this guy gets the hots for his own cousin.
CHARLES
He’s talking to another relative, telling him all about her. She’s out in the yard riding on a swing.
YVETTE
—without her underpants.
CHARLES
Oui, oui. Sans culottes.
YVETTE
Some women don’t wear bras, some don’t wear panties.
CHARLES
On a swing? With their dress blowing up in their face?
YVETTE
Apparently.
CHARLES
What about you? Tonight?
YVETTE
I’ll never tell.
CHARLES
I’ll find out later.
YVETTE
Not unless we account for that look on your face! The way you looked at that young hostess.
CHARLES
Ah yes. The Expression That Threatened A Marriage. Our very own French film.
YVETTE
Sounds more like a Japanese horror movie.
CHARLES
Let’s stick to the French. Any applause for Cousin, Cousine?
YVETTE
Yes. The sound of one hand clapping.
CHARLES
Touché! And why is that?
YVETTE
Because a woman who’d ride a swing that way could just as easily flirt with a handsome man entering a restaurant.
CHARLES
She could! She could! We’re making progress!
YVETTE
I’ll be the judge of that.
CHARLES
Merde!
YVETTE
My turn.
CHARLES
O.K. I’ll be the contestant.
YVETTE
That film with Yves Montand. Remember?
CHARLES
Vaguely.
YVETTE
About this attractive young woman. Yves Montand’s her older lover. He loves Bach and takes her to cultural events. He’s mature and charming as hell. Just like . . . you.
CHARLES
And at the same time she’s got a second lover, her own age.
YVETTE
Younger, I thought. Her boy-toy. She’s torn between them, loves them both, and they’re equally wonderful.
CHARLES
How’d it end?
YVETTE
The two guys get together at a house in the country, and the woman shows up to reveal her choice. She jumps from the car, opens the gate, and heads up the path . . .
CHARLES
——and the damn film just stops in a freeze-frame!
YVETTE
It ends with that look on her face. That sad, worried look.
CHARLES
That sad, worried look! Just the way you looked when you caught me gawking at that hostess.
YVETTE
I . . . we’re getting nowhere, Charles. Let’s call time out.
CHARLES
More coffee?
YVETTE
Yes. No.
CHARLES
New category? How ’bout world capitals? Let’s start with Paris.
YVETTE
You’re not funny, Charles.
CHARLES
I’m not trying to be funny. I’m just doing whatever it takes to get my wife upstairs to bed. Because it’s late, it’s our twentieth anniversary, and I’ve been ambushed by youthful beauty in a Parisian restaurant.
YVETTE
Here comes the waiter.
CHARLES
Hey! I’ve got another idea. Let’s ask him what he thinks. He’s French, isn’t he? And we’ll abide by whatever he says. We’ll take it as a sign. From the horse’s mouth. OK?
YVETTE
When in Rome . . .
CHARLES
—do as the Parisians do! Attendez, monsieur. Expliquez-nous, s’il vous plait. La France. Paris. Les femmes.
YVETTE
Exactly.
(The WAITER turns on his heels)
CHARLES
Where’s he going?
YVETTE
Patience, Charles. Our marriage is riding on this.
CHARLES
All twenty years?
YVETTE
Each and every one.
CHARLES
Ah! Here he comes.
YVETTE
That didn’t take long.
WAITER
(Bows, holding a book for YVETTE)
Madame.
CHARLES
Hey! It was my idea. O.K. O.K. Your French is better than mine.
YVETTE
Merci, monsieur. It’s by Valéry. (Reads to Charles.) Paul Valéry. French poet, critic, and intellectual leader, 1871-1945.
CHARLES
A man of learning. Just like . . . me.
(The WAITER hands the book to YVETTE,
opening it to a bookmark)
WAITER
Voila, madame.
(YVETTE reads to herself)
CHARLES
(Anxiously.)
Well? What does it say?
YVETTE
Give me a sec. I’ve got to translate.
(CHARLES sits upright, looking
to the WAITER, then YVETTE)
CHARLES
Well?
YVETTE
(Finally.)
OK. I want to get this right. (Quoting slowly) The ardor aroused in man . . . by the beauty of women . . . can only be satisfied . . . (SHE smiles in acknowledged wonderment) —by God.
CHARLES
(Quietly relieved.)
Amen. It’s all in His hands.
YVETTE
(Closes the book with a satisfied snap)
Or Hers, Charlemagne. Or Hers!
(All smile. Tableau. BLACKOUT)
CURTAIN
About the Author: Claude Clayton Smith is the author of eight books and co-editor/translator of two others. His own work has been translated into five languages, including Russian and Chinese. For further information, see his website: claudeclaytonsmith.wordpress.com.
